Why Forgiveness Isn't Optional: Understanding the Hardest Part of Prayer

"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." - Matthew 6:12

If you've ever heard the Lord's Prayer—maybe at a wedding, funeral, or during a moment when someone else was praying—you might have noticed something uncomfortable about this line. While most of the prayer feels safe and familiar, this part stops us in our tracks. Why? Because Jesus isn't just asking us to receive forgiveness; He's connecting our forgiveness to how we forgive others.

As humans the concept of debt is not a hard one to grasp. You know what it means to owe something and the weight that comes with it. But what if I told you that spiritually speaking, we're all carrying a debt so massive that it makes your mortgage look like pocket change? And what if the key to freedom from that debt is directly tied to how we handle the much smaller debts others owe us?

Let me start with a question that might make you uncomfortable: If God asked you right now, "Why should I let you into heaven?" what would you say? Take a moment to really think about it. Would you mention your good deeds? Your charitable giving? The fact that you're generally a decent person who hasn't murdered anyone?

Here's what most people don't realize: sin isn't just breaking arbitrary rules, like going five miles over the speed limit. Sin is rebellion against God's morally perfect standard. It's breaking the law of a holy, righteous God who wants what's best for us.

Think of it this way: imagine sin as a corporation—let's call it "Sin co."—with different salespeople who come knocking at your door. Maybe Gossip shows up first. He seems harmless enough, just wanting to share some "prayer requests" about your neighbor. You shake his hand, thinking it's no big deal. But when Gossip walks back to his car, you see Murder and Adultery giving him a high-five. Suddenly Gossip calls out, "Hey, if you're friends with me, you're friends with them too!"

The point? All sin, no matter how "small" it seems to us, has the same end goal: to cause destruction, separation, and death. James 2:10 puts it bluntly: "For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it."

This means we can't compare our "little sins" to someone else's "big sins." We have to compare our sins—all of them—to God's perfect standard. And by that measure, we're all deeply in debt.

Romans 6:23 breaks this down clearly: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Wages are something you earn based on work you've done. The work we've done through our sin has earned us death—not just physical death, but eternal separation from God. That's our debt, and it's not a financial debt; it's a justice debt. When someone commits a crime, they owe justice. When we sin against a holy God, we owe justice too.

But here's the incredible news: God offers us a gift. And gifts, by definition, aren't earned—they're freely given. God knew that everyone on earth is in debt, and people in debt can't bail out other people in debt. So He provided the solution Himself.

Jesus—who is God in human form—lived a perfect life and accumulated no sin debt. Instead of cashing that in for Himself, He chose to sacrifice Himself on the cross, allowing God's wrath against sin to be poured out on Him. Then He rose again, demonstrating His power over sin and death.

As 1 Timothy 2:5 says, "For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." Notice it says "the man"—present tense. Jesus is alive right now, mediating for us.

How do we receive this gift? We make Jesus our Lord, which means we repent—we change our minds about sin and decide to follow Him instead of going our own way.

Here's where many of us start to squirm. Right after teaching His disciples this prayer, Jesus clarifies one specific point: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).

Jesus doesn't clarify any other part of the prayer—not the part about daily bread or God's name being hallowed. He clarifies forgiveness because He knows this is where we're going to struggle.

When you pray "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors," you're literally praying, "God, please only forgive me to the extent that I have forgiven others." Can you imagine consciously praying, "Lord, please don't forgive me because I don't want to forgive this person"? Yet that's exactly what we're saying when we harbor unforgiveness while asking for God's forgiveness.

Jesus told a story in Matthew 18 that illustrates this perfectly. A servant owed his king 10,000 talents—roughly equivalent to 60 million days of wages. It's an impossible debt. When the king threatened to sell him and his family into slavery, the servant begged for mercy. The king, moved with compassion, forgave the entire debt.

But then this same servant found a fellow servant who owed him 100 denarii—about three months' wages. Instead of showing the same mercy he'd received, he grabbed the man by the throat and demanded payment. When the king heard about this, he was furious and reinstated the first servant's debt.

Jesus concludes: "So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart" (Matthew 18:35).

The principle is clear: when we truly understand the magnitude of our debt to God and the incredible mercy we've received, other people's debts to us should pale in comparison.

Your ability to forgive depends entirely on where your focus is. Are you focused on the hurt you received, or are you focused on the grace you received?

I learned this personally through a difficult experience. In middle school, I was severely bullied by someone who eventually sexually assaulted me. That experience sent me into a dark period where I rejected God and made terrible decisions for years. When I finally returned to faith in high school, I knew I needed to forgive my bully, but it wasn't easy.
The breakthrough came when I realized the extent of my own forgiveness. During those dark years, I had made choices I deeply regretted. Yet God had forgiven all of that. When I focused on how much I had been forgiven, I found the strength to forgive the person who had hurt me.

Ephesians 4:32 captures this beautifully: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

If you're struggling to forgive someone, here are some practical steps that can help:
1. Be Understanding We all live in a broken world. This doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it helps us recognize that hurt people often hurt people. The person who wounded you may be carrying their own pain and brokenness.
2. Don't Dwell on Others' Sins Choose not to replay the hurt in your mind repeatedly. God promises to "remember our sins no more" (Hebrews 8:12)—not because He forgets, but because He chooses not to dwell on them. We can do the same.
3. Put Others' Interests Above Your Own If you're struggling to forgive someone, try serving them in some practical way. This demonstrates sacrificial love and helps break the cycle of resentment.
4. Trust God One reason we struggle with forgiveness is that we don't trust God to handle justice. But Ecclesiastes 12:14 assures us that "God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." And Romans 12:19 reminds us that "vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."

It's important to understand that Jesus is modeling two aspects of forgiveness in this prayer:

• Forgiveness for Salvation: This is the one-time decision to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. When you do this, you're forgiven of all your sins—past, present, and future—and guaranteed a place in heaven.
• Forgiveness for Fellowship: This is the ongoing process of maintaining a close relationship with God. Just as unforgiveness can create distance in your marriage even though you're still married, unconfessed sin can create distance in your relationship with God even though you're still His child.

If you're a Christian but feel distant from God lately, it might be that there's some unconfessed sin in your life—including unforgiveness toward someone who's hurt you.

As you consider what you've read, take some time to reflect on these questions:

1. When you think about standing before God, what would you honestly say if He asked why He should let you into heaven? How does this compare to what you've learned about sin and grace?
2. Is there someone in your life you're struggling to forgive? What specific hurt are you holding onto?
3. When you consider the magnitude of God's forgiveness toward you, how does that change your perspective on forgiving others?
4. What would change in your relationships if you truly believed that your forgiveness from God is connected to your forgiveness of others?
5. Are there areas where you feel distant from God? Could unforgiveness be playing a role in that distance?

Forgiveness isn't optional in the Christian life—it's central to it. But here's the beautiful truth: just as God gives us the grace to be forgiven, He also gives us the grace to forgive others. This isn't something you have to muster up on your own.

If you've never accepted God's forgiveness for yourself, that can be your starting point today. Simply acknowledge your need for forgiveness, accept Jesus' sacrifice on your behalf, and commit to following Him. From that foundation of grace, you'll find the strength to extend forgiveness to others.

If you're already a Christian but struggling with forgiveness, remember that this is a process. Keep coming to God with your struggles. Keep asking for His help. Keep focusing on the massive debt He's forgiven in your life. And trust that He will give you the grace you need, one day at a time.

The Lord's Prayer isn't just a beautiful religious tradition—it's a roadmap for life. And at the center of that roadmap is a simple but profound truth: we forgive others because we have been forgiven.