Marriage Mistake #6 - If we wait long enough, our problems will take care of themsleves

The Mistake

Not resolving conflict in a timely and appropriate manner.
  • Not clearing up the relationship whenever there is hurt or conflict.
  • Making the same mistakes over and over because you never learn from them in order to act differently.
  • "Faking it til you make it."
    • Acting as if what is true is not true (nothing is wrong) and what is not true is true (everything's okay now).
    • Holding stuff inside out of pride or fear, then blowing up when you finally get angry enough.

The Effects

Additive effects of not resolving conflicts over time destroy the marriage: The Spin-Out
  • Arguments get increasingly worse; more intense, personal, damaging
  • Conflict gets increasingly worse until the stability of the marriage is destroyed
  • Over time, he checks out; she protects herself

What to Do

Make it a habit to keep your relationship clear.
  • Seek forgiveness quickly when you have offended your spouse.
  • Readily forgive when your spouse seeks your forgiveness.

Debrief: Talk about your conflicts and learn from them; determine what needs to change.
  • Focus on YOUR part in the conflict, not on your spouse's part.
  • Look for patterns in relating that lead to arguments and conflicts.
  • Understand what is behind the arguments and conflicts (thinking, feeling, assumptions, attitudes, past experiences, expectations, etc.)
  • Commit to changing what needs to change.
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